You both just made it back to his bedroom. Bra hooks are undone, boxer-briefs are pulled off, and you answered his "wanna have sex?" with a very enthusiastic "HELL YEAH." He keeps kissing you, and it's hot, but there's something that's on the back of your mind: where's the condom? After all, it’s his penis – shouldn’t he be the one to whip out a Trojan? But when it becomes clear he's ready to go as-is, you finally mention it. His response may range from “Oh, right!” — as if the whole using-protection-thing was just a minor oversight — to "Oh, really?" — as if pregnancy and STI prevention is a huge request. But one thing's clear: he's rubber-stalling – deliberately waiting for the woman to bring up the condom first, perhaps in the hopes that she won't at all.
And it's happening more than you think: Rachel, 26, recalls men delaying condom use as a frequent occurrence: "I would need to initiate perhaps 60 to 70 percent of the time," she says. "Literally the last three dudes I slept with were surprised when I indicated a condom was needed," says Christina, 30. Clearly, this is something way too many women relate to, and this dangerous behavior needs to stop.
When men leave it to women to bring up condoms, the onus for both partners' protection against STIs falls solely on them. But this phenomenon isn't shocking: in a 2017 survey conducted by Cosmopolitan.com, women reported being twice as likely to initiate conversations about testing than men, while men were three times as likely to never have been tested.
Part of the reason, of course, is a lack of solid sex education in this country. “Our sexual education system teaches neither party the skills of sexual communication," says Dr. Laurie Mintz, Professor of Psychology at University of Florida and author of Becoming Cliterate. She says that because we lack these skills, the responsibility always falls on women because they're socialized to be the caretakers and communicators.
On top of being not being concerned for his partner's health, a man who neglects to use condoms endangers himself too. Dr. Sean Horan, Associate Professor of Communication at Texas State University, led a 2016 study on how people communicate about condom use, and noticed a trend in the misconception of risk across both genders. Of the 65 participants who reported that there was no explicit communication about condom use with their partners, 48 had a false understanding of consequences of not using a condom, like thinking the woman being on birth control was enough, or that the pull-out method was fine – neither of which protect someone from STIs. So if men who really do know better are purposefully stalling the condom talk (or are just trusting their female partners to know everything, which data proves they don't), they're only increasing their own risk of unsafe sex.
But even if both people have been tested, there's still the fear of pregnancy. When men rubber-stall thinking that their 'clean' bill of health is enough, they place this additional burden on their partners as well. Sure, many sexually-active women are on some form of birth control to prevent pregnancy, but that's not enough for all women to feel completely free of the risk of pregnancy.
"IT’S THIS NOTION THAT’S SO DEEPLY INGRAINED IN OUR CULTURE THAT SEX IS ABOUT MEN’S PRIVILEGE."
Plus, all their options for birth control have side effects. Women often deal with worsened menstrual cramps, acne outbreaks, mood swings, and bloating. Meanwhile, men's worst problem with wearing a condom – their primary method of birth control – is that it "reduces sensitivity."
"It’s this notion that’s so deeply ingrained in our culture that sex is about men’s privilege, men’s pleasure," says Dr. Mintz. "It’s almost this unconscious socialization that the woman is responsible for the man’s pleasure and her own safety at the same time.” A woman on birth control could feel fine not using condoms, but the point is a man has to ask.
But aside from forcing women to police their partner's sexual safety, rubber-stalling sometimes leads to men trying to convince a woman to have sex without a condom, which contributes to rape culture in its own way. "If you’re not having the conversation [about condoms], what other conversations are you not having, such as consent?" asks Dr. Mintz.
Some women report experiences where their male partner insists on not using a condom even after they've brought it up. "I handed him a condom and he said 'Um, I don’t use these' – he was very sure I would give in eventually." says Katherine, 22. "He gave me B.S. excuses like 'Oh, I didn't have time to buy any' and 'it'll ruin the mood,'" says May, 26. "Two different men gave me that weird analogy where they said 'it's like eating a sandwich while it's still in the bag', which is pretty gross," says Rachel. In this way, men are trying to coerce women into somehow foregoing their own worries and discomfort for the sake of pleasing them.
This kind of treating sex like a negotiation can often pressure women into making choices that make them feel unsafe. “[It's] pushing, pushing, pushing, despite indications of ‘no’," says Dr. Mintz. "You can apply it to condoms or ‘let’s do this sexual act.’” It all falls under the same umbrella of men doggedly pursuing their own sexual desires without the consideration – or consent – of their partners.
It's ironic that an oft-used excuse by men for not wearing a condom is "it'll ruin the mood," because a woman having to bring it up certainly ruins the mood for her. Even if he agrees to wear one, she still has to wonder why he seemed ready to risk STI contraction from a new partner, whose sexual history he may know nothing about. She has to ask herself why he automatically assumed she's on birth control. But most of all, she has to question whether or not she wants anything to do with a guy who clearly puts his own sexual pleasure above her own.
"It’s really a turn off to see guys act that way because it tells me that they aren’t concerned for their sexual health, and are even less concerned about my sexual wellbeing," says Becca, 27. "And it’s not much of a surprise that inconsiderate people are bad lovers." Nothing kills your sexual buzz like a man bumbling around the idea of wearing a condom for 10 minutes, and there's nothing hotter than one who has one on hand before you even need to ask.
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